Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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