its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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