Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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