Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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