I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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