my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
