I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I need to stop coming to work sober
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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