I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
