Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
