Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
