I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
