I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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