Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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