I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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