I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
