you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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