Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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