I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can I color on your dick again?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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