i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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