dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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