i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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