so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
