i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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