a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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