Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
