Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
where are my eyebrows?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
