I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
