Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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