I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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