so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
