i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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