I can text with my tongue
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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