remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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