When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
