dude i'm inner monologue high
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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