Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
