I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
