he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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