I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
