I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
