evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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