Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
