i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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