I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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