my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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