I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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