I like my sex mixed with concussions.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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