true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
sarcasm needs its own font
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
