the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
