I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
