I want to stick my p in your. b.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
