just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
