It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
