I puked a lego.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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