I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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