i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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