She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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