I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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