We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
