We're like a lot better than the average bears
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
