Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
