I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
